Day 366 - 6/17/11

Well, I guess this is it, huh? On the eve of my 20th birthday with 30 minutes to go. I guess I feel the anxiety that any child would have on Christmas Eve if that is fair to compare my birthday to Christmas. I am excited but I'm nervous. I spent the WHOLE year blogging about my life day after day and it comes down to tomorrow. As I was running all over the place at work tonight, this idea of everything in the end being a blur struck me. I waited 11 tables tonight. The most at once time would be 4 tables. Part of me doesn't understand how I judged it all. It just seems like a blur to me. And in a way, the point I'm trying to get to is that this year just felt like a blur. I don't intend for that to be a disheartening or sad statement. At the very least, it could had been the best thing I ever learned. Let's think about it... I spent the whole year attempting to track my life. To track the finale of my teenage years. And what it all boils down to is that even if you physically attempt to record you actions or your thoughts, life still happens way too fast. There are certain memories about this year I will remember forever, like going to Vegas or all my adventures at LSU, but for every moment I remember there are probably 100s more I forgot. If I think about on a spiritual level, this idea of remembrance and non-remembrance lies upon the fact that I am no God. It is not my right to know everything. I can't. I can't be bigger than the biggest. I just have to be the biggest me I can be.

Also, I had this interesting thought I want to elaborate on because I feel it is fitting as the clock continues to tick away. I once heard somewhere that as humans we like to think of ourselves as diamonds. With age, pressure, and stress, we become more refined and sharpened. However, although I wish it was that way, I feel like it is in reverse. I feel as children we are as pure and beautiful as diamonds can be. It is with age and experience that roughens out edges. It's the pains and the struggles that are inevitable in our lives that hardens us. And you know what? The real tragedy of life is that we get older and become roughed up. That is just how life is. But I certainly know that there are people who have grasped as long as they could to that sense of purity and lived long and happy lives. What I'm trying to say is, I really don't want to harden up too fast. I can say that even though I will be 20 tomorrow, I don't feel 20. I'm not sure how to feel 20. Or if there's a way to feel 20. All I know is that I desperately want to enjoy the life I have. There is no better place to live that in present because there is no other place you can physically, mentally, and spiritually be.

This blog is a testament to that.

Lastly, I know I have said this countless of times before but I truly mean it. I really want to thank the readers so much for joining me on this journey. I wish I could had gotten to identify each of you individually but the anonymity of you guys is so humbling to me. I don't need pages of comments and publicity to know that there are people who are interested in not only this blog, but me. And that is all I can ever ask for. Thanks.