Day 243 - 2/14/11

Well it's Valentine's Day. Happy Valentine's Day to everyone. Today has made think a lot about what the idea of love and relationships is. This isn't going to be one of those mopey "I wish I had someone special to blah blah lovey dovey blah blah" posts. Although I do hope you're Valentine's Day was special for whichever reason, today was just another day for me. Honestly, after taking some time to really think about it...I believe that Valentine's Day has been misinterpreted. Somewhere beneath the boxes of chocolate, hallmark cards, and bouquets of roses, the meaning of Valentine's day was become so commercialized and reserved for those "in relationships" that love is put to the side. For me, Valentine's Day is a day to celebrate love. Love in the sense that we are there to support one another and have each others' back. If you have that in your relationship, that's awesome and I hope you keep that as long as you can. Love is one of those things that defines us as a human race. We are remembered by not who we love or how many, but how we love and our intentions in loving. Simply how. Jon Foreman once said, "Love is a verb." There has to be something more to this love thing that giving material things, things that are easily replaced. What I want to give is something that is deeper than what is physically seen. I want to be remembered by my love. On Valentine's Day, I see people on both sides of the spectrum. I see those fully convinced that Valentine's Day is a day to spoil their significant other because that is the only way to prove that they "love" them. On the other hand, I see countless others who feel more alone this day than any other in the entire year. People who may not necessarily ready for love but are jealous and feel the need for the attention. I am lucky enough to say I have been on both sides of the spectrum to see the joys and concerns of each. This year I wanted it to be different though. I didn't have a date or a valentine but it didn't matter to me. Claiming a title of being in a relationship with another person shouldn't hold me back from loving everyone. I want to love someone in a sense that they are comfortable enough to trust me, share with me, and listen to me with good intentions. And that is how I want to be loved in return. I don't see those three requirements as being complicated but I do understand they are difficult. However, simply put, that is the key to my heart.

That leads me to this next point...

You're probably thinking "what does this kid know about love?"

Well to put the answer simply...I don't. But I think I have a good grasp of what I feel isn't love. This is next section that I am going to write is going to put me a little bit out of my comfort zone but I feel this is the only what I can back up how and why I feel the way that I do. For all of you who have kept up with this blog and even for all the new readers, I bet you have noticed in the past 242 days of this project's existence never have I once talked about love and relationships. I guess for this post's purpose I will say something...

First off, I have been in only two relationships by my whole life. Two. They were both in high school. My sophomore through senior years. Honestly, I always found myself really nervous around girls early in high school. I was this foreign guy who never felt he was relatable to anyone, especially a girl I liked. But eventually I got more confident and I asked out these two girls. Out of respect for them, I won't say who. In a way, they were very similar. Good grades. High ACT scores. Pretty brilliant the both of them. Pretty. Great smiles. Cute laughs. And again, pretty. Each of these two have a special place in my heart but not for the reasons you would expect. But long story short, neither ended the way I wished they would had. My first girlfriend and I had religion issues, just different beliefs, in general, and no matter how much I wanted to find common ground it just was not possible. If I look back on that relationship, I wish I would had be able to accept that heartbreak the first time. It was the fickleness and desire to be with someone in both of us that caused to get back together only to break up once again. Like a vicious cycle, it would just start, work, strain, and finally fall apart. Our intentions simply weren't the same. It was only until I decided I couldn't do this to myself anymore that I moved on. Which oddly wasn't the hardest thing to do because before you knew it I was in relationship number two. This one just came out of nowhere. I was a senior in high school and fully convinced that all I wanted to do is get through the rest of the year, graduate, and move on to LSU and test my luck there. But I would like to think that God decided he wasn't going to let me off the hook that easy. So I met this girl. And we dated for a year. I had my first Valentine's Day with a date. You know all those first "whatevers" that the typical lovey dovey couples go through. I wanted that. I felt so deprived of that in my adolescence that I felt I deserved it. And that, my friends, was where I was wrong. It was a long distance relationship and I was in my freshman year at LSU. It was tough. We did the best we could with the distance. But it was my mistake for trying to hard to be with her and to see her. In the end, she claims that I was suffocating her and it was over. I can't lie and say it didn't suck. Maybe it was just the timing of it all. I was about to go home for summer vacation in two weeks. I believed that it was going to be better. I promised myself that I wasn't going to care if I saw her everyday. I felt that my intentions were right this time but I never got a chance to prove it. That is the thing about long distance: You only love something as much as something you miss. I was ready for that inner comfort I was going to gain knowing I was going to be back in the same area as her. Seeing her would not had been a big deal because I knew she actually was there. And that is what I lost grip of, was all of this real? It would be wrong for me say that it was 100% my fault that this relationship ended because it is far from the truth. However, all I can do look back on the things I did and work to fix it. I am only able to control what I do and how I want to love. I did learn so much from those two though and I wish them the best.

I recalled writing back in one of very first posts that the next girl I get to date will be extremely lucky. It is because all these failures in my past have really taught me about the joy and work of love. Currently, a relationship isn't my number one priority. My number priority is earning a future and building a foundation for my future. I just want the future to take this course and if there's a girl somewhere along the way I hope I can prove it to her that I know what love is.